KidsRFunny

Kids say what's on their minds and some of it is simply hilarious.    Riley has always made me laugh, Ian and Desi say really silly stuff, and Parker is a one stop shop of comedy.    There is nothing better than laughter and there is plenty of that in the Schmidt house.

Let's start with Desi.   Her funny may sound kinda gross but Desi had the line of the day, so I must share.   We were driving to church and there was a foul smell in the car.   I blamed Ian, who immediately denied the stinky in question.    Parker could have been the culprit but it was much more fun to throw the blame at Desi.   Desi wasted no time and stated that she was not responsible for the stench and even had an explanation:  "Daddy, it was not me.  I know because there was not a noise in my pants."   The defense rests.

Riley has a great sense of humor and we goof a lot.    One of my favorite moments recently was the story she told about her first day of 8th grade.   Her school messed up her schedule and somehow, she ended up in the level 8 (high level) dance program instead of her creative writing program.   The school had swapped her with another girl who had a similar last name.   The story made me laugh but her closing line really made me giggle:  "Dad, I guess it's better that I was switched instead of you...you would have just done the sandwich dance, the sprinkler, and that wave thing you do with your hands.    And, I could probably pull off the dance outfit better than you."    She ain't lying.

Ian is a story teller although, if you don't help him move things along, it could take hours to get through his tales because he likes to be detailed.  Very detailed.   He also loves to make himself sound awesome in every story.   A few weeks ago, he told me that his class was learning to square dance and that all of the girls  wanted to dance with him.   I asked why and and after describing every minute element of his square dancing experience (if you are scoring at home, that took about 15 minutes and included several mentions about how good he was listening, that he had great eyelashes, and he was an excellent dancer), he said "Dad, the girls like me because I  washed my hands after I went to the bathroom and some of the other boys didn't.  And, I can breakdance."   Hygiene and the ability to do the worm = likability in the 2nd grade square dance world.  Well played, Ian Bob.

Parker is an entertainer and it's impossible not to like the little dude.    We have been playing ball a lot and I think he is half baby, half retriever.   He and Blue have something in common...they will both play the same game for hours if you let them.   Lately, when we are in the office, he will bring me the ball then run to the other side of the room.   He won't move until I say "ready?" and he parrots back "readyyyy!".   I am expected to throw the ball to him and he will scoop it up and deliver it back to me.   Repeat 300 times.   The other day, I forgot to say "ready?" and threw the ball.   He looked a me with disappointment and told me "Daddy no readyyyyy" and stared at the ball.    Clearly, we had a system and I did not execute my portion of the job correctly, so I had to get the ball, hand it to him, return to my spot and wait for him to bring it to me.  At that point, we resumed the process and he was pleased that Daddy was back to following the rules for the next 413 throws.

Until next time, buh-bye!

Where Have You Been for 9 Months, Dude?

My how time flies. I have said to myself a number of times "write, dummy, write". Unfortunately, dummy did not and because of that, dummy has probably forgotten a number of awesome kid moments as time has passed. I'm not sure how I can recap everything, but let's start with now and work backwards, shall we?

Riley is 13. She is still pretty, smart, and hilarious...and can rock an IPOD like nobody's business. She LOVES the Hunger Games and if a Kindle had real pages, they would be worn out. She is doing great at ice skating...one day, maybe she can teach me to not fall on my rear. She has officially passed Holly in height and it's probably time to move the picture in the garage where I measure the kids.

Riley and Des are now roomies after the re-do of the bedrooms. The girls have a cool setup in their wo-man cave. Desi is 8 3/4 going on 20. Whether you want to hear them or not, she often has an opinion on...well...everything. Her teacher, Mrs. Hudson, has really fallen for the kid. Desi is trying like crazy to grow so she can sit in the front seat of my car. Goals are a good thing to have.

Ian Bob (as I like to call him when he is being a knucklehead) is incredibly bright and funny. We need to get him checked again at the doctor because he seems to have a case of ants in the pants. The kid has the energy of 10 people. He had another amazing run at soccer and is the only child that can run for 2 hours prior to a game, run up and down the field for the entire 40 minutes (and likely score a few goals), and be ready for a marathon.

Bug is 16 months. He is lightning fast..his little legs can move. While it was not is first word, "yellow" is his favorite. If it's a yellow object, he'll let you know that it's yellow. He's learning sign language at school. It confuses me and when he signs something, I'm not sure if he is telling me to steal 3rd base or if he wants more juice. He is quite a dancer and has different moves for each song on his toys. Sure he may look like Elaine from Seinfeld on a couple of his dances, but he feels it.

One of the girls highlights last year was a surprise to see Taylor Swift. They were on-site at the Forum and still had no idea what they were doing that night. Holly had told them that they were going on a surprise girls night out and they tried to guess where it would be. Until show time, Dinosaur World was getting the most guesses. The program director of the country station hooked the girls up with meet n greet passes and they met Taylor. After the show, I asked about the night and Riley's comment made me laugh. "Man, she is tall!". Sure, the show was great and the girls sang their hearts out, but now I know that Taylor is a giant...and we have a picture to prove it.

Christmas in 2011 was insane, as usual. Santa came through again. It's amazing that he knows what to have his elves make every year. 436 presents later, Christmas was a success. The entire family scored with Busch Gardens passes from Mimi, Ian rocked with his new Leap Pad game from Gma Janet, Desi hit with the Razor from Gma Trula, Riley was shocked to finally get the previously mentioned mack daddy IPOD from Santa, and Bug liked the wrapping paper.

Tomorrow is the 3 year anniversary our adoption. I looked back at pictures of Ian and Desi and can not believe how much they have grown, both physically and emotionally. Riley is a fantastic big sister and they still follow her around like a puppy dog. It's tough to remember what it was like before. It was probably more quiet. A LOT more quiet. I probably didn't spend as much time doing laundry. And, I don't believe I ever said "If you can't say something nice to each other, don't say anything at all". On the upside, I have more team members for Operation Pick Up Dog Poop and I'm getting really good at 1st grade math. On top of that, Ian said that when I get older, he won't change my diapers but he will invent a robot that will change my diapers. Score another one for Dad!

Not sure when next time will be, but until next time, buh bye!

Stupid Stuff I'll Miss

Face it, kids grow up. And it stinks. There are so many things that they do when they are little that are awesome...and forgettable over time. So many things you don't want to forget but chances are, you will forget some stuff. Sometimes when you do remember those little nuggets, it's hard to completely recall everything about the moment. And that again, stinks.

I have great memories of when Riley was younger but there are tons that I have forgotten over the years. I am lucky to have some video to remind me of those times that may have slipped my mind. The story about the midget walking down the street, when Holly took her to the bathroom the first time(sorry Riley, it's a funny story), the gift of creamed corn at Christmas, and the recording we did in the picture frame when she was much younger are some of my favorites, but I am bummed that I don't have every minute stored away in my noggin. There are always new stories to replace the old ones and like a dvr, I guess you can only have so much memory capacity until you delete a few to make room.

I hope I never forget the way that Parker grabs my face and kisses (more like eats my nose) and the sheer joy he has after he has slobbered me up. He'll stop doing it soon and I'll miss those drooly kisses immensely. I'll also miss doing my Bonanza theme song hum and dance to get him to sleep (a classic in 1999 with Riley and returned to the charts in 2010 with Parker) and the ever so catchy "Someone's got a pee pee in his diaper" ditty that I sing to him when I change him (note, poo poo can be substituted for pee pee depending on his diaper status).

I hope I never forget the funny voices that Ian does and the hilarious comments he makes from time to time. I giggled like a little girl when he did something funny and told me that "he was hilarious". He is, and obviously, very humble too. He is a smartie. As a joke, I told him that when I am older, I will need him to be the one to change my diaper. He said no, but when he is a robotic engineer, he will build a robot to change my diaper...sweet kid.

I hope that I don't forget Desi's obsession with Full House and Uncle Jessie. Yes, it's a bit fanatical but face it, there are worse things in life than her referring to the things that "John" (as in Stamos) did or said on the show. Maybe she won't remember asking me if we could get an Uncle Jesse poster for her room (for a show that hasn't been on in 15 years), but I hope I don't let that one slip away.

This blog has always been written to entertain my family and friends, but in many cases, it is an opportunity to not let slices of life to be tossed away. It is a way for me to make a few of those forgettable things unforgettable, like when the kids added up all of their coins and told me they had 22 "moneys" to spend.

I wish I could document everything but that would be psycho...and impossible. So, if one day if Riley, Des, Ian, and Parker read this blog, maybe they will enjoy revisiting this silly stuff as much I enjoyed the silly stuff when it happened.

Until next time, buh bye.

Baby says what?

Lately, Parker has been talking quite a bit. He started with some Mamamama action and more recently, added Dadadadada to his vocab. Boy, does he babble. At times, he'll give you a full 5-10 minutes of lafafamama gagagagagaggala ladadadtataerkwkdkd. Bug sincerely believes he is carrying on a conversation, but frankly, he makes about as much sense as a football bat.

When he is mad (usually because his bottle doesn't warm fast enough or he needs to snooze), he begins his angry gibberish and sounds like he is cussing at me....in baby or Japanese. I don't speak either one, so your guess is as good as mine.

I know Parker is super excited about something when he does some talking talking talking, mixed with a few raspberries. If he is talking talking talking and stops to make his pterodactyl noise, he can't reach one of his toys. If he is talking talking talking and adds in some whine/cry action (he can throw down a super fake cry), he wants to be picked up. So I may not understand what he is saying, but I understand the need or feeling associated with it.

In the future when Ian isn't busy building robots, I plan to ask him to construct a baby talk to english translator unit. I am going to take baby videos of Parker and run them through Ian's contraption. I certainly hope the Parker speak is interesting. I'd hate to wait years only to find out that I have 7 hours of Parker singing that Selena Gomez song that Desi has stuck on repeat in her cd player.

Until next time, buh bye.

Social Networking, Baby Style

A few years ao, I thought it would be funny to set our dog up with his own myspace page. I hooked Blue up with a cool Snoop Doggy Dog background, added "Who Let the Dog's Out?" into his player, posted pics of him and his cat buddy, Bailey, and added likes, such as "licking stuff, barking at the UPS truck, running while I sleep, and eating food the kids drop".

So, jump ahead to 2011 and the new genius idea (supplied by the wife). What if the baby had a facebook page? I would never actually set up a page for any of the kids, but the idea of Parker having his own twitter or facebook account made me laugh. Imagine the status updates, personal info, and wall posts...

Profile:
Relationship Status - Single

Activities and Interests - Napping, Being gassy, Looking at the dog and cat, Exersaucering, Wearing Onesies, Drooling, Squealing, Grabbing Daddy's facial hair, Sticking fingers in my Mouth, Sitting in a Bumbo, and Touching my toes.

Languages, Education, and Work History - None

Arts and Entertainment - TV: Yo Gabba Gabba Music: Whatever plays on my swing. Games: Peek-A-Boo Books: Those are those square things, right?

Sample Status Updates:

"In serious need of a change"
"Where did I put my foot?"
"Thinking about crying. Okay, now I'm crying. Oh look, the cat! Now smiling"
"Checking in from the exersaucer"
"Parker likes DJ Lance"
"Getting very slee...zzzzzzzzzzz"
"What is that smell? Hope it's not me"
"1 finger in mouth, good. 4 is better"
"Drool is cool"
"Does this diaper make my tush look big?"

In the future, babies will probably be tweeting in the womb, but I'm not quite ready for Parker to enter the social networking world yet. Although, I must say that maintaining his page for him could be pretty fun for Dad. Or embarrassing for him.

Until next time, buh bye.

Accessorizing

Wearing the adorable "I love my Mommy" onesie and the exquisite "Drool happens" bib with lovely pieces of mushy bananas, here is the chubby and sweet young boy, Parker Jameson Schmidt. That is baby red carpet talk.

Parker's steps into the big boy eating world has created opportunities for him to accessorize his outfits (and face) with peas, avocados, and bananas. It's cute and messy. Sometimes I think that he should just stick with mommy's milk, to avoid the lengthy clean up process. I know that he has to eat real food at some point, but maybe we should wait until he has mastered the use of a napkin first. Unfortunately, napkins are food to him and he just tries to eat those anytime they are near his mouth. We have enough problems with the mushed up stuff now...so I can't imagine the problems we'll have with sloppy joes or ribs.

Random pieces of food aren't just accents for his outfits, they are also for mine. I went to the store the other day and realized on aisle 4, that I had a giant spot of baby oatmeal on my shirt. Cleaning myself, or my clothing, on a grocery aisle is not something I've tried before in a Publix bathroom and my first attempt only made the spot into a much bigger spot. I always have a change of clothes in the diaper bag, but perhaps it is time to pack extra Daddy garments too, just in case I overlooked a stealth food attack on my garments. At the checkout, I got the once over from the cashier who immediately spotted the large stain on my shirt. Taking the Desi Schmidt approach of not taking responsibility, I quickly denied my personal hygiene accountability and put the blame on Parker. Hey, it was HIS food debris, not mine...I was just an innocent bystander!

If I remember correctly from Riley's ventures in eating people food, things will get worse before they get better. Wish us luck as we plunge into the land of orange and purple foods. Note to self, buy more orange and purple shirts so they can mask the same colored cuisine.

Until next time, buh bye.

Who am I?

Parker Jameson is his name but it doesn't get used a lot. The poor kid will probably have an identity issue unless something changes, because he is called 15 or 20 different things. If he wore one of those "Hi My Name Is...." tags, he'd need a billboard sized sticker to fit all of his alter egos.

Here's a short (well, kinda short) list:
Parker J (at least that one includes is first name)
PJ
Little P
Chubbsie
Chunky Stuff
Chunky Butt
Littlest Man
Poopsie
Bug
Bugaboo
Short Stuff
Drooly Pants
Captain Drools A Lot
Thang
Chunky Monkey
Dimpleface
Roly Poly
Cute boy
Little buddy

He is getting to the age where he should recognize his name. Either he will respond to just about any name thrown at him or will be baffled until everyone starts using his given name. I have a vision that the teacher in kindergarten will be doing roll call and when they get to him, there is silence because he thinks his name is Bugaboo or Chubbsie. I'm sure he will outgrow the nicknames...I hope...because Doctor or President Little P Schmidt sounds wrong.

Until next time, buh bye.

Gas

Gas prices continue to soar locally and nationally. I may have found a solution, assuming that I can devise a method of collection. Everyone could save a bundle if I could only figure out how to process the gas that Parker provides on a daily basis.

Parker is all smiles, super cute, and quite possibly, the gassiest baby ever. He burps like a middle linebacker and toots...a LOT. I look into his adorable eyes and ask "how are you doing, littlest man?" Most often, his response is with a stinky that surely could rattle his diaper loose. Upright, sideways, laying down, in the tub...he can cut one in all positions. If there was a program for gassy babies, he would be the valedictorian.

Even when he was a few weeks old, he could poot like a car with a bad muffler. More than once (like almost every night) when we would sit down at dinner, he would be chillin like Bob Dylan in his shaky chair and then suddenly, let everyone know he was present by firing one or two off. Of course, Ian, Desi, and Riley think it's hilarious because kids think it's funny. I know, it's natural but the volume of the cheese cutting can't be. It's like he has an amp in his diaper and it's turned to 11.

It's really no big deal until you go out with him. I've been grocery shopping with him and he'll blast one in the cereal aisle. No biggie but it's so loud, that I'm sure a few people think that Dad did it and is trying to blame the baby. Trust me, my mom taught me better than to bust a fluffy at Publix.

Boy, can't wait until the solid foods begin. If his rear is so gifted on breastmilk, imagine what it will create on mushed peas. Not much we can do other than keep the open flames far away and eliminate the explosion possibilities.

Until next time, buh bye.

My how times have changed

There have been so many moments in the last few months that I've said "wow, things sure are different than it was when I was a kid". I'm not just talking about technology, although that is part of it.

For example...

A couple years ago, Riley wanted a drink. How about some water? She comes back a few minutes later and asks if she can have some lemonade. How about some water? Her reply was funny...we are all out of water. Huh? Yes, there were no water bottles left. How about grab a cup, throw in some ice, and put some water in the glass? Really, out of the tap? Seriously? You would have thought we were trying to make her drink prune juice. Holly and I both remember our drinking out of the hose moments. I'm not sure how I feel about my kids drinking out of the hose now but years ago, it was not uncommon. As a kid, we didn't even need a hose, we would just stick our mouths under the tap outside. Again, not sure I want to see Ian or Des do that any time soon. Things are different now.

Another example...

Seatbeats. We are uber spazzy about the kids having seatbelts on properly and sitting up. The strap has to be across their chests. No slumping. If we have an accident, we want the kids to survive! When Holly was a kid, they had lap belts. At one point when I was a kid, some cars didn't have those. I remember riding to the beach in my Mom's 240Z while sitting on the hump in the back, because there was no backseat...and obviously, no seatbelt. Holly told me a story that she convinced her brother that the floor area was the cool place to sit...and he believed it...and she was nice enough to give him the floor while she laid on the entire back seat. There is not a chance in the world that Riley could pull that on Ian or Desi, because no kid of mine would be on the floor behind the front seats. Things are different now.

On the technology front, my kids will never know what it is like to only have 3-5 channels to watch (and some of those were fuzzy if you didn't have a giant antennae). The only reason my kids know how to roll a window up and down is because I bought a Yaris with no power anything. Most kids wouldn't have any idea what that knob is or why there is no window button. Riley has a cell phone now. I'm sure she would like an iPhone or one with cool games. When I was a kid, we had a home phone...well, two...and they were not portable. Heck, one was rotary dial. Computers, microwaves, music players, even the trusty old calculator were luxury items. Things are different now.

I'm getting older so I suspect there will be a few "Back in my day, we....." statements that will come out of my mouth.

Until next time, buh bye.

Random Random Random 2.0

If you don't write about it, you will forget, said "me" 3 weeks ago. Of course, I forgot to write about it, so now I'm writing about other stuff I don't want to forget. In no particular order, here goes.

Ian was showering by himself for the first time. He turned on the water, pulled the curtain, etc. all by himself. I thought it would be a good idea to check on him, so I went in the bathroom and asked "hey little man, how you doing". Reply: "awesome!". Me: "did you wash your hair?". Reply: "yes sir!". Me: "you washing yourself?" Reply: "yes sir. I am the master of washing myself!"

Speaking of showers, Desi's tiny little body seems to take an extraordinary amount of time to clean. I'm quite sure that she is spending all of her time washing her hair, conditioning the previously mentioned hair, and soaping up...no playing at all, right? Well, except that time I went to check on her (after 20 minutes) and she is sitting in the middle of the shower, trying to stick her hair straight up, and singing. We now have a new rule: after 15 minutes, we go in and turn the water to ice cold. Amazing...she finishes in 15 minutes now.

Riley's texts make me laugh. Yes, there are the shortcuts that I find funny (if I can figure them out)...LOL <3. Another haha thing was when she texted me from the Monster Jam truck show...something like "hi dad, I am at the monster truck show." I was sitting one seat away from her, at the monster truck show.

Other Ian comedy moment. I went to pick him up after school. I asked what every parent asks..."So, how was your day?". Instead of the usual, "good" (which I have discovered is the only answer you will get without asking follow up questions), Ian said "Dad, I don't think you will be impressed".

And the final item on this round of random involves Parker. He is now 8 weeks old, 13 pounds, size 2 diaper, drools, loves the Lone Ranger theme, is gassier than any baby in the history of babies, is a sock Houdini (he can escape from a sock faster than you can say "escape from a sock", and only pees on Mommy.

Until next time, buh bye.

Baby Technology and Whatnot

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy New Year. What did you do during the holiday? Unless you had a baby (or two), we probably topped you. Sports fans, please welcome Parker Jameson Schmidt! Parker J. (aka Peanut) who arrived at 5:48pm on December 16, 2010. He hails from Belly University and his stats are impressive: 7lbs 9 oz. & 20 1/2 inches in length. His hobbies include eating, sleeping, and pooping.

There were many confused looks when Holly said "we have 3 kids but this is my first delivery", after the hospital folks at UCH would ask "Is this your first baby?" There were many firsts for Holly but things have changed a lot since Riley came into the world almost 12 years ago, so I'm learning too.

For instance, did you know that diaper technology has vastly improved since 1999? I never realized that Pampers and Huggies were so cutting edge. You'd expect improved comfort or more Earth friendly updates. Now, you can get newborn diapers that have a umbilical cord cutout. Neat, but that's not the coolest improvement. Diapers now have yellow lines on them, and when there is "stuff" in the diaper, they change color to let you know "hey, "stuff" is in here!" By the time that one of my kids has a baby, the diapers will probably have a cell phone connection that will send a poo or pee alert (the Pampers 9000 will text "#1" or "#2" to your phone!).

Car seats have also added new features. In addition to slick styling, better handling, improved performance (does this sound like a car commercial or what?), the seats provide more safety and comfort for the baby. We have a pretty nice carrier/stroller combo but there are some serious fancy pants products out there, like the one that plugs into your car and has seat & bottle warmers. I could be wrong (remember, I am a parent of a newborn and only get a few hours of sleep)...I think I saw one with a latte machine, a vacuum cleaner, a warming tray for snacks, and a pet grooming system. If not, Graco/Chicco/etc., you're welcome for the ideas.

Now, there are breast pumps with turbo boosters, thermometers that take your temperature from a different county, and even pack n' plays don't just vibrate, they connect to your mp3 player via remote control through an app on your phone. Maybe I'm making some of this up. Then again, maybe not.

Until next time, buh bye.

Corn for Christmas

My wife gets frustrated with my lack of enthusiasm for the holidays. She's 33 going on 3 when you talk about the season to be jolly. She can't wait for the local radio station to begin their all Christmas music format. She thrives on the planning process for gifts for the kids. She loves putting up the Christmas decorations and the tree (or should I say, bugging me to drag the stuff from our garage so she can expertly supervise the Schmidt Home Holiday Launch). Me...not so much.

I have a weird feeling that she didn't really want another baby for normal reasons . Her motive was Christmas related. Ian and Desi don't have a lot of Santa belief left in them, so the wife fooled her goofy husband into creating another being, to keep Old Saint Nick's spirit in the Schmidt house for another few years. It's like Santa was on life support, but Doctor Holly has created a temporary miracle on Golf Crest Circle cure. Parker J. is due on December 21st, just in time for Christmas. Coincidence? I think not.

Holly has tried to make me drink the Egg Nog flavored Kool-Aid with little success. She did post one victory, although I highly doubt she will claim it. She kept going on and on about holiday traditions and how important they were. I listened, like a good husand should, and I decided to start my own holiday tradition. It's odd. Would you expect anything else? I dubbed my tradition: "The Christmas Pantry Surprise!".

A few years ago, I thought it would be funny to wrap up something unusual for Riley. Like most kids, she opens a present...looks at it for 2.6 seconds...and races to open the next gift. I asked myself, "If I gave her something strange, would she even notice or slow down?" That year, I wrapped up a can of creamed corn from the pantry, topped it with a giant bow, and placed it under the tree. She plowed through her pile of presents at a vigorous pace and when she opened the corn, she put the brakes on for a moment. I could tell her little brain was trying to figure out if there was really corn in the can and if was it a joke. I didn't explain and instead muttered 4 words: "You like corn, right?" Riley resumed her speedy gift opening. At first, I believed my little tradition project failed but as she told people about her presents, she never failed to mention "and Dad got me a can of corn.". I assure you that months later, she couldn't name more than 3 items she received at Christmas, but corn was always one of them. Each year after, Riley has tried to guess the mystery canned good in advance and opened a variety of items with my holiday tradition. Last year, it was refried beans. Ole' and Feliz Navidad!

I can't say if this tradition will last forever, but I'll laugh pretty hard if many, many years from now, one of my grandkids asks me why their Mom gave them a canned of creamed corn for Christmas.

Until next time, buh bye.

And Guess What?

I remember hearing stories about people playing the drinking game "Hi Bob!" when the Bob Newhart Show was on TV. If you haven't heard of it, the rules (or rule) is simple. Every time someone on the show entered the room and said "Hi Bob", you had to take a drink of your adult beverage. It must have happened a lot because people said they were blotto after one 30 minute episode. The only reason I mention it is because I had the thought this morning, that college kids may want to try an updated version of the game. This time, it would be to a recording of my 6 year old, Ian. He is quite a storyteller but has a habit of slowing his stories down to a creeping pace with the phrase "And guess what?" There is a pretty good chance that one round of "And guess what?" would have players in AA or the hospital, so play at your own risk.

Here's an example of an Ian tale:

Daddy, a lady came to our class today to tell us about doctors. She brought big bandaids. And guess what? She took them out of her doctor bag. And guess what? She showed us one. And guess what? She asked for a helper and Summer got picked to be her sistant. And guess what? The lady, who is a doctor, asked for another helper. And guess what? I raised my hand. And guess what? Other kids raised their hands too. And guess what? I got picked to get a blue bandaid on my foot. And guess what? I had to take off one of my shoes. And guess what? I picked my right foot because it was hurting more than my left foot. And guess that? I took off my sock. And guess what? I put my little foot next to the lady and Summer. And guess what? They had to take the sticky paper off the back of the bandaid. And guess what? The lady let Summer put the bandaid on my foot. And guess what? I wasn't even scared. And guess what? I went back to my seat and put my shoe back on. And guess what? I took my shoe back off because I forgot to put on my sock. And guess what? I put my sock back on and then my shoe. And guess what? My teacher said I was a good helper. And guess what? Later, because I was such a good helper and sat quietly in my seat like a good boy, I got to pick something from the treasure box.

And guess what? By then, I had tuned out from my little man's story. I think he continued for another 15 minutes. Fortunately, he never waits for a response to his "And guess whats", so he never realized that I had zoned out. Sure, I feel like a bad daddy for not hearing his exciting bandaid adventure in it's entirety, but he lost me after the 23rd "And guess what?" Ian's stories remind me of going to see the Dave Matthews Band, where they drove me insane by taking the 4 minute radio song and turning it into a 20 minute jam session. At least during the concert, I could run off the concession stand or hit the bathroom.

At some point, the "And guess whats" will go away and I'll probably miss them dearly. Until then, I'll have to suck it up and brave "Ian's Epic Extend-O-Matic Storytime Jam / Potential Drink Game" narratives.

Until next time, buh bye.

Band or Baby?

Project baby continues. Peanut is still marinating as the countdown to December 21st rolls on. Holly and I are a little nervous about the baby process, so she signed us up for a baby c.p.r. class and a childbirth prep class. No, we didn't have to study any B.A.T. books (Baby Aptitude/Admission Test) for the prep class, they did recommend bringing a blanket and two pillows. Was there nap time? Unfortunately, no, but we did get lots of pee breaks for the mommies during the 8 hour class.

I'm not sure what is wrong with me, but I find humor in things at the wrong times (like during an 8 hour baby prep class)...and the wife always seems to know when the hamsters get on the wheel and start running in my brain. We were two hours into the childbirth class, when I grabbed a pen and paper & began to feverishly take notes. Well, sorta take notes. I was making a list. Immediately, she knew something had caught my fancy and, most likely, it was not the elements of Lamaze.

And something did catch my attention. The medical names associated with childbirth reminded me of band names from my teenage metalhead days. Crank up the show intro and cue the announcer...it's time for everyone's favorite new game show "Band or Baby?", where you must determine if the name you hear is a word from the childbirth prep class...OR, if it's a 80's heavy metal band name!

The wife started giving me the LOOK to turn my brain off. Unfortunately, contestant #1 in my head was already trying to decide if "Fetal Descent", "Cervix", "Afterbirth", or "Membrane Rupture" was the moderately successful Sacramento band from 1987. Ohhh, it was a trick question...none of the above! Although, Secret Cervix (get it?) would be an awesome band name.

I managed to focus for a few minutes while the nurse talked about choosing a Pediatrician. Then, despite my best efforts, my brain shifted into the next round of "Band or Baby?", where the contestants scored 100 points for every correct pick in the lightning round. Contestant #2 scored big with "Mucus Plug", "Uterus", and "Heavy Lactator", but missed on "Placenta" (who doesn't remember one of Sweden's finest heavy metal rock exports?). Another look from the wife...game over.

I found my notes from class this morning and I'll fess up, that game show idea still makes me laugh. If you thought "Band or Baby?" was fantastic, just wait until my new series, "Band or Medical Condition?" premieres. Care to take a guess on "Chronic Halitosis", "Spastic Colon", "Hairy Nevus", or "Restless Leg Syndrome" (who I believe are country, yes?)

Until next time, buh bye.

The Song Sung Got Kinda Blue

Kids sure do love to sing. Kids sure do love to mess up the words to songs. Well, maybe not on purpose, but whether they know the words or not, they sing loud and proud. Then, there are times that kids intentionally rewrite the lyrics in a way that was never intended...I'll address that later.

I remember when Riley was little, she would ask to hear the cd filled with kid sing-a-longs. I think I heard Itsy Bitsy Spider, London Bridge is Falling Down, and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star approximately 7,054 times. Her favorite was Wheels on the Bus, and for a while, she only remembered one word of the entire song. The song would roll and she would stay quiet until the part "all through the town!", where she would jump in and shout "TOWNNNNNNN". And then, all quiet until the chorus hit again and then came another "TOWNNNNNNN".

Desi has been stuck on the song "Fireflies". She has been in YMCA summer camp plays where the kids sang it. Radio Disney had it in heavy rotation for months and she would sing along non-stop when it played every 15 minutes. It's now her shower song. I could think of a bunch of other songs that are worse, so no biggie. I would have fainted if I heard my 7 year old singing "I kissed a girl and I liked it" instead of the poppy sounds of "Fireflies".

I overheard Ian singing in the bathroom a few days ago. He started with a hum only version of Jingle Bells, which soon became a louder performance of the song...only he switched up the lyrics to just use the word "fart" (a word I hate). Through the door, I heard "fart fart fart, fart fart fart, fart fart fart fart fartttt, fart fart fart, fa-fart fart fart, fart fart fart fart farttttttt" to the tune of the Christmas classic. He came downstairs a few minutes later looking innocent and resumed humming his little heart out. The worst part about it...his bathroom version of the song got firmly stuck in my head for the next couple of days. Imagine the looks I would have received if his version popped out of my mouth while grocery shopping. Thankfully, I avoided any mishaps and didn't accidentally blurt his unsavory version, while doing a price comparison on cold cuts. Whew.

Until next time, buh bye. r