Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Christmas Suck List

I must warn you...I'm about as "Christmas-y" as a toe nail clipper (unless it's one with a seasonal theme). My wife loves everything about the holidays...the presents, the Christmas songs and TV shows, the family gatherings, the tree and lights, cookies, etc. Her holiday spirit baffles me. Christmas is generally one of the most stressful times of the year (they should change that song from "it's the most wonderful time to it's the most stressful time.....of the year.") Would it be "un-Christmas-y" to mention the high suicide rate during the holidays? Is "un-Christmas-y" even close to being a word?

What's to like? Downtime from work and dinner rolls. What's not to like? Here's my "Top 5 things that suck about Christmas".

5. Presents. I'm 41 and I have a credit card. If I want something, I'll buy it. Unless you're getting me a new car or a house, don't expect me to go bananas. I don't mind a gift card, unless it's a gift card to the House of Cheese or Dress Barn. Suggestion - get me a funny Christmas card and call it a day. I'll appreciate that more than that shirt with buttons that I'll never wear.

4. Christmas songs. Does anyone need to hear another Celine Dion, Whitney Houston, Mariah Carey over sung version of Winter Wonderland? Christmas Shoes...if I had one wish, it would be that the guy who wrote that song chose to join a polka band instead of writing sappy annoying Christmas songs. I'll tell ya right now...I know where I'll put my Christmas shoes if I meet that dude. I'm a passive guy but that song really makes me angry. And no, I haven't been hitting the rum eggnog.

3. Stuffing and yams. Mr. S and Mrs. Y...I didn't like you at Thanksgiving, why would I like you to visit my table again a month later. And don't bring your friend, Sir Green Bean Casserole. He's not welcome at my house. I have no problem with turkey or ham, but frankly, I'd be happier eating pizza on Christmas. Either I'm easy to please or I can't appreciate a finer meal - you decide.

2. Presents, part two. Ask any kid what they got for Christmas last year. If they're lucky, they will remember 2 things. Face it, kids like wrapping paper and opening stuff more than the actual presents. Wrap up 25 things from the dollar store (feather duster anyone?) and one big present....they will think you're the best dad ever. I started wrapping random items, just to give them more things to open. Don't believe me...check with Riley. Last year, she got a can of corn as a present. That will be one of the two things she remembers from Christmas 08.

1. Shopping. Rumor has it, we are in a recession. Tell that to the 20 people in line at the mall to get an Auntie Ann pretzel. Or the 15 people in front of me at Hollister. Or me and the 995 people who parked a quarter mile from the mall, because there was no parking. I probably should do more online shopping but I can't explain why I like to be face to face with things I'm buying. It's probably the reason I didn't purchase that Russian mail order bride (thank you, try the veal).

Only a few more days to go, then the Valentines Day decorations will start appearing in stores near you. Awesome.

Until next time, buh bye.


  1. Easy now boy ... take it easy ... you're taking "bah humbug" to a whole new level.

  2. I actually saw Valentines cards on display when out shopping last weekend!
    The thing that bugs me about Christmas is that I point out things I'd like and never get them. I was certain I'd be opening a mushroom growing kit this year but alas, I shall have to purchase my own fungusy fun....