Chilling like Bob Dylan

As parents, our primary job is to keep our kids safe and to teach them how to be decent big people. If you're a responsible parent, you'd like your children to grow up with good values, strong work ethic, and blah blah something about empathy blah blah accountablity blah blah blah be humble blah blah. That's important stuff but it sure is the boring and less fun part of being a Dad or Mom.

I may not be Parent of the Year but I do okay. I try to be a solid parental figure but the goofy side of me can not be denied, so at some point, I became determined to teach them stupid phrases or things that humor me. So far, Riley has been a successful test project and after some adjustment, the little ones are making great strides in the Daddy program.

For example, when you ask Riley, "so..how did you sleep?". She should quickly respond with "horizontal". Or throw this one at Ian, "Whatcha doin?". The answer, of course, is "chilling like Bob Dylan.". It doesn't matter that he has no clue who Bob Dylan is, it's just funny to hear him say that. When one of the kids mutters "I'm not saying, I'm just saying", I could not be more proud! When Desi told the joke about the golfer that wore two pairs of pants (in case he gets a hole in one) like she did on joke day at school, I almost wept with joy, because Riley also successfully used that joke many years ago. I'm two for two.

I didn't realize how many small dumb things the kids have picked up from me until I made a quick list. Yikes! Imagine if I was putting my effort toward teaching them something to make them smarter, instead of trying to get them the Petey the Squirrel voice or practicing the sprinkler dance...they could be Harvard-bound at 11, 7, and 5.

Here are a few things that I've taught the kids. It's amazing they don't wear helmets and can dress themselves after the nonsense I've trained them to do or say.

a. a variety of uses of the word "knucklehead"

b. the phrase "it's on like donkey kong!"

c. the phrase "that's a you problem, not a me problem"

d. underwear on head = funny

(note: clean undies, thank you..i'm responsible, remember?)

e. the heehaw song in the cornfield

f. whether male or female, referring to someone as "dude"

g. fantastic dance moves, like "making and eating a sandwich", "eating an apple", "the turtle", "the hand wave", and "the index finger".

Good stuff! I'm excited to have another little Schmidt on the way so that I can restart my lesson plans, with help from my 3 trusty assistants. Hopefully my wife can balance my efforts with honest to goodness real parenting.

Until next time, buh bye!