It came from the book!

YOU:
Schmidt, you keep talking about this book "parents say the strangest things". It seems like it could be funny, but is it worth the price?

ME:
The answer is NO WAY! Unless I order a dump-truck full of books, the price & shipping is about 20 bucks per unit. I can't promise 20 bucks of enjoyment, unless you're easily entertained.

YOU:
How about a free sample? A smidge? A nibble? One morsel from the book?

ME:
Okay, you. I'll give you a few lines from one of the lists & a story.
Here's your free taste! Bon Apetite, as they say in Poland.
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FROM THE "just plain weird" LIST (things I've actually said!) -


2. I wouldn’t be hungry either after all that paste and boogers.
4. You can’t touch the clown in his boy parts!
6. Are these nipples dirty or clean?
7. Stop licking your brother/concrete/wall/dog/etc. !!!
9. I will not kiss your butt and make it feel better.
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STORY FROM "parents say the strangest things" -

storytime.
what I meant to say was.

As a parent, you'll have to react to a zillion different scenarios involving your child. The safety and well-being of your kids are always your first priority, right? I wish it were so.

Parents want to say and do the right thing, but sometimes we make boo-boos. It happens to the best of us. And by us, I mean my wife.

I call it the "what I meant to say was" moment. She had one. I'm sure I'll have many.


Kids get sick. Kids also act sicker than they really may be. Why shouldn't they? Mom loves on them and caters to their every need.

My two little ones are very competitive so if one has a cold, the other one has the flu. If one has a cut, the other one has lost a limb. They have to top each other for potential, exclusive Mom attention.

One had been coughing, so the other kid needed to cough louder and longer...which somehow resulted in an Exorcist-like vomit scene that nearly took out the dog. The sneak yak attack caught my wife off guard. She was shaken and concerned.

So what was the first thing she said?

"Don't let the dog eat your puke!"

In her defense, "Sweetie, are you okay?" was next.
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ME:
That's that. If you want the book, email parentssay@yahoo.com
Now move along, mooch. :)

Until next time, buh bye.