Pregnant Obama

I guess the secret is out: we're pregnant. Everyone...say hello to #4. #4, meet everyone.

Holly and I told the kids last Friday. You're never sure how kids will react but Desi was excited (almost as excited as when she got her Sillybands) & Ian was thrilled.........as long as it is a boy. Riley loves a baby, so we weren't too worried about her, and she's psyched.

The kids have been sharing the news with their friends. Ian's teacher let us know that he was talking about it...and shared this story:

Ian asked his teacher, Miss Cindy, about babies. He wanted to know what it was called when you have a baby in your belly. Miss Cindy said it was called "being pregnant". She wanted to know if his Mommy had a baby in her belly and he replied "Yes!" She told him that he could share the news with his class. Ian loves being the center of attention, so needless to say, he was down with the idea. So, Miss Cindy tells the class "Class. Ian has some wonderful news that he would like to share."

He had to milk the moment so his set-up when something like this:

"I have some very exciting news that you all will like. I think it will be cool and my dad says things will be different in our house. We have a lot of work to do to get ready. My sisters are ready for it and I can't wait to tell you the good news. We had ice cream when mommy and daddy told us. It was chocolate and strawberry. I could not eat it all but it was good." At that point, Miss Cindy suggested that he cut to the chase.

Ian then told the class that he was excited because his Mommy was president.

Until next time, buh bye.

It came from the Post Office

"Black bandana, sweet Louisiana, hmm hmm hmm blah blah blah blah, California rescue me...." That would be Dani California from the Red Hot Chili Peppers. My 5 year old, Ian, loves it....and I'm beyond baffled on how he learned it. Not the the Chili Peppers are in the same category as Slipknot, but we don't let the kids listen to anything except Radio Disney, so how did he pick up a RHCP song?

The answer: It came from the post office!!

No lie. I think it was the post office. Either that or Anthony Keidis quit the band, got hired as a VPK teacher in Tampa, taught the kids the words to Dani California as a form of viral marketing to the younger crowd, quit the VPK gig, then got rehired as the singer of the Chili Peppers, all in a matter of 24 hours. It could have gone down that way...or...

Back the theory #1, the post office. The post office by the airport plays music in their main lobby. I never noticed until I heard Weird Science by Oingo Boingo, a couple weeks ago. I laughed because I imagined someone telling Danny Elfman in 1984..."hey, your song will be blaring in a post office lobby in 2010". Danny, heavy on the eyeliner, would respond with something vulgar and continue writing the band's other hit, Dead Man's Party.

Since that day, I've noticed lots of songs I never thought I'd hear at a post office, such as Frankie Goes to Hollywood "Relax" and Jill Sobule "I Kissed a Girl". It's the 80s channel - should be safe, right? Like contraception, only about 99% of the time. Someone must have said something, because now, the mix of music is newer and more pop alternative, like Nickelback/Lifehouse/Dave Matthews/etc. Wouldn't that format play a number of songs from the Red Hot Chili Peppers? And since it was a hit, do you think that Dani California be one of those? The defense rests. Pre-kids, I made fun of businesses that played Lite Rock...now, I welcome it, because I don't want to have to ask my 5 year how he learned the lyrics to Poison "Talk Dirty to Me", another fine post office classic.

Until next time, buh bye.

More 1. Less 0. Excess wins!

You can never have too much of a good thing.

Example - My daughter has now watched Snowdogs 14,731 times (she's 6...do the math...I may be off by a tad) and counting. We could easily squeeze in another dozen viewings before Saturday. Des has seen the movie more than Cuba Gooding Jr.'s mother. I only mention Cuba Gooding Jr. so that I can tie Jerry McGuire and Snowdogs together for this: I'm teaching Des to yell "SHOW ME THE...MO (wait for it) VIE!!!" That's only funny to me. My wife didn't laugh either.

Back to the original thought. You can't have too much of a good thing.

Example 2 - I have 3 words for you: Pump It Up. If you don't know what Pump It Up is, I suggest you immediately do a search in your area & buy an available franchise asap. Pump It Up has lots of big, inflatable jumpy things and slides. Kids just don't love the place....they LOVEEEEEEEE the place.

At this moment, my fridge is home to 4 invitations to birthday parties. Guess where the parties are? No, Waffle House is incorrect. Those 3 magical words: Pump It Up. Yep, all 4 parties. Guess where we did Ian's birthday party? No, World of Beer is incorrect. If you were playing along at home and said "pump it up", bingo! The economy may be sucking wind but I'm certain the CEO of Pump It Up will be getting a bonus the size of Texas, this year. Good for you, Mr. Pump It Up! Perhaps that didn't sound right. Take two. Kudos on a great year, sir!

Pump It Up provides a quick, easy, somewhat economical birthday party experience. Where else can you get 90 minutes of a good time for 200 bucks? Perhaps that didn't sound right. Take two, again. Uhhh, it's a good deal.

All this birthday talk reminds me of the "Awesomest Birthday Event Ever!", which surprisingly did not take place at Pump It Up. When Riley was little, she and I attended the Event. It was not a party, it was an Event. Her little friend from class was turning 4. About one month prior to the little dude's birthday, I believe one of his parents said to the other, "Let's re-mortgage our house and throw Bobby the Awesomest Birthday Event Ever!". These folks were not Richie Riches, so keep that in mind.

If you want to recreate the "Awesomest Birthday Event Ever" for your child, here are the ingredients you'll need:

1. Rent clubhhouse, basketball court, and two tennis courts in your housing community. You'll need space for items 2-10.

2. Hire a 12 piece reggae band. Kids love reggae and musky band members.

3. Get 3 large inflatable slides and jumpy things. Must be biggest available on the planet.

4. Invite everyone you've ever met....EVER.

5. Order 2 cakes. At least one cake should qualify for a Guinness Record.

6. Catering. Have lots of food. Something kids like, such as Chicken Marsala.

7. Hire a magician, a clown, a mascot, and a guy with a petting zoo.

8. Full Liquor Bar. Parents may want a Margarita or a Zima...at 10am.

9. Petting zoo may be subpar. Call lady with a horse for pony rides. Make that 2 horses or a llama.

10. Get seating for 600, which will only be used for 6 old people. Have 200 more chairs on standby.

11. Goodie bags. Include imported chocolate, 2 foot tall stuffed animals, and 50 bucks CASH.

Other than the cash, EVERYTHING is true about the Event. For a 4-year-old! And you know what's crazy? I overheard the parents saying they were nervous that Bobby would be bummed with the party, because it was scaled back from the previous year. I kid you NOT!

The sad thing...Bobby probably went to a party at Pump It Up recently and thought it was the awesomest party ever.

Until next time, buh bye.

It came from the book!

YOU:
Schmidt, you keep talking about this book "parents say the strangest things". It seems like it could be funny, but is it worth the price?

ME:
The answer is NO WAY! Unless I order a dump-truck full of books, the price & shipping is about 20 bucks per unit. I can't promise 20 bucks of enjoyment, unless you're easily entertained.

YOU:
How about a free sample? A smidge? A nibble? One morsel from the book?

ME:
Okay, you. I'll give you a few lines from one of the lists & a story.
Here's your free taste! Bon Apetite, as they say in Poland.
______________________________________________________

FROM THE "just plain weird" LIST (things I've actually said!) -


2. I wouldn’t be hungry either after all that paste and boogers.
4. You can’t touch the clown in his boy parts!
6. Are these nipples dirty or clean?
7. Stop licking your brother/concrete/wall/dog/etc. !!!
9. I will not kiss your butt and make it feel better.
______________________________________________________

STORY FROM "parents say the strangest things" -

storytime.
what I meant to say was.

As a parent, you'll have to react to a zillion different scenarios involving your child. The safety and well-being of your kids are always your first priority, right? I wish it were so.

Parents want to say and do the right thing, but sometimes we make boo-boos. It happens to the best of us. And by us, I mean my wife.

I call it the "what I meant to say was" moment. She had one. I'm sure I'll have many.


Kids get sick. Kids also act sicker than they really may be. Why shouldn't they? Mom loves on them and caters to their every need.

My two little ones are very competitive so if one has a cold, the other one has the flu. If one has a cut, the other one has lost a limb. They have to top each other for potential, exclusive Mom attention.

One had been coughing, so the other kid needed to cough louder and longer...which somehow resulted in an Exorcist-like vomit scene that nearly took out the dog. The sneak yak attack caught my wife off guard. She was shaken and concerned.

So what was the first thing she said?

"Don't let the dog eat your puke!"

In her defense, "Sweetie, are you okay?" was next.
______________________________________________________

ME:
That's that. If you want the book, email parentssay@yahoo.com
Now move along, mooch. :)

Until next time, buh bye.

Not on the list to Santa

Retailers love to get a jump on their Christmas sales. Some stores started their holiday section in early September. My suggestion - if you want to get a jump on the other retailers, why not do what my neighbor does: leave your Christmas stuff up all year long!

The new Toys R Us catalog arrived in the Sunday paper, filled with wonderful and not so wonderful gift ideas at super duper savings. We had the kids make check marks next to the items that they would like to have. Ian picked 10-12 items. Desi obviously thinks we're the Hilton family, because she checked 75-80 things. Riley picked a few but felt the need to label each check with a D or I for greater clarity. I appreciate her effort but I'm sure that I would have figured out that the Little Mommy All in One Nursery was for Des.

While most of the items in the catalog are good for any kid, I have to ask...why would anyone buy the WWE Punjabi Prison Match Ring (ages 4 & up)?

Does a child really need a Prison Match Ring? Might as well include the shank and pruno for a lifelike prison atmosphere. I'm also confused by the Razor MX400 Dirt Rocket motorcycle, which says it's for ages 14 and up. Oddly enough, the boy in the picture riding it couldn't be more than 5. Maybe I'm not as cool as I thought, but my kid won't be riding a MX400 dirt rocket any time soon. I can barely get him to flush the toilet...why would I trust him on a mini-bike?

Over the years, I've had a problem with a number of toys but the one that bugged me the most was the Bratz dolls. They should have been named Escortz, because they look like they should come with a pole. Who comes up with some of these toys? What's next, the Lil Wayne Speak n Spell? Or the Step 2 Party Time Crystal Meth Cook Lab (complete with a tiny Andre Agassi as your tester)?

The worst idea for a present has to be this:
http://www.amazon.com/Alfred-Hitchcock-Birds-Barbie-Doll/dp/B00142V9X0/ref=sr_1_26?ie=UTF8&s=toys-and-games&qid=1257443064&sr=1-26

Not only is the Alfred Hitchcock The Birds Barbie Doll weird...face it, it's a sucky gift. Was there really someone at Mattel who thought "We MUST beat the competition to the punch on this Alfred Hitchcock Birds thing"? 56 years later? Perhaps they'll follow it up with the Texas Chainsaw Massacre Barbie. They probably don't have time to make that one...since they are busy filling all of those orders for The Birds Barbie Doll. Sarcastic much?

Until next time, buh bye.

Prepping for 10/31/2010

Halloween is over. The excitement has subsided and I'm left with 3500 pounds of candy & memories of that night. Stuff to note for next year:

1. Halloween pre-game. Make sure everyone pees. This is a must, especially if you have one of those hard to get in & out of costumes. It ain't easy peeling a tight, plastic Buzz Lightyear outfit off an antsy, amped up 5 year old (for the record, that's a sentence I never imagined I'd say).

2. Keep track of the bizarro/creepy houses. I'll explain.

If you're handing out candy to kids, try a shirt..it's all the rage. I'm sure "no shirt guy" was crunched for time between the doorbell ring and opening the door, but I'll wait the extra 5 seconds so my kids don't have to see your nipple rings.

Also, while it is "trick or treat!", the kids want candy...trick is just part of the greeting. It's not a time to showcase your talent. You may be able to make balloon animals or burp the alphabet, but this ain't "America's Got Talent", it's Halloween. Just give the kids a Reeses Peanut Butter Cup and let them roll.

3. Costumes. Don't dress your kid up in the banana costume. Or any fruit costume. Your kid will be miserable. The cost of therapy will outweigh the extra money you have to pay for a cooler costume.

4. Candy. Hand out something good. I don't know what a "Yum Yum" is but it pales in comparison to a Twix or Milky Way. Charleston Chews are probably a fine candy but unless you have stock in the Charleston Chew company, why would you purchase that when a bag of Snickers are on the same aisle? Do you want to hand out the Brad Pitt of candy or the Danny Devito of candy?

And for pete sakes, don't make something and hand it out!!!!!!! I'm sure your homemade peanut brittle is delicious, but it won't pass the parent test. Even if I green-lighted the brittle, kids won't appreciate your effort and would trade it for even the worst candy, like a Yum Yum.

And if you run out of candy, just turn off your lights! Don't try to fool the kids with junk you have laying around the house. Beef boullion cubes are not a suitable replacement for Butterfingers. The kids on a lo carb diet may appreciate an Atkins bar, but seriously.....

Until next time, buh bye.

The Theme to Bonanza

I've created a monster (I'm not just saying that because it's almost Halloween)...it's just a fact. This monster doesn't have gnarly teeth or scare people. This monster doesn't crush cars ala Godzilla on the streets of Japan. It's worse. MUCH worse.

My little one, Ian, is "The Monster that has the Theme to Bonanza stuck in his head and can't stop singing it!!!!" He's lurking in my house right now, armed with a catchy show open.

Stupid me. I told Ian the story about how I would get his sister, Riley, to go to sleep when she was a tiny baby. I have no idea how it started but I would put her to sleep by humming the theme to Bonanza. Dum dededum dededum dededum bonanzaaaa.......I'd do it again and again until she zonked out. Hey, it worked so I kept doing it!

Ian thought I was making up a story, so I found the theme on youtube. How was I to know that one play of a 50 year old theme song would be so memorable? Dum dededum dededum dededum bonanzaaaa. And so it began. I caught him humming it to his Pandy. Awww, cute. Then to the dog. Awww, cute. Then in the bathtub to Diego. Okie dokie. In the car, on the potty, while playing, at dinner, in the store, brushing his teeth, & during playtime at school (I can only imagine he's taught 30 other kids at VPK and they are torturing their family and pets with dum dededum dededum dededum bonanzaaaa). Over and over and over and over and over. If his brain had a to do list, it would look something like this: 1) wake up 2) hum theme to bonanza 3) play with matchbox cars for 24 seconds 4) hum theme to bonanza 5) hum theme to bonanza 6) put underwear on head for unknown reason 7) eat. between bites, hum theme to bonanza 8) say something mean to sister, like "you don't even know the theme to bonanza 9) taunt sister with humming of theme to bonanza. You get the picture.

Life is sad when you'd jump for joy if the kid would bust out "Who Let the Dogs Out", "Achy Breaky Heart", Barney's "I love you. You love me.", "The Chicken Dance", or "The Meow Mix cat jingle". It would be refreshing. But no, I have dum dededum dededum dededum bonanzaaaa in mega rotation. Little Joe, Hoss and Hop Sing would be sick of their own theme song if they lived in my house.

Until next time (if I make it to next time), buh dum dededum dededum dededum bonanzaaa ugh bye

Lunch Date

I'm a married guy, so it's not every day that I get to go on a date. I was invited to lunch by a super cute girl! How could I say no? It was my 6 year old, Desi (or as she is now known in some circles, Deszi).

Believe me, I could have never imagined the lunch experience I had.

The date day arrived and I included a super cool surprise in her lunch....I'll get to that in a minute. I rolled into school promptly at 10:45 (lunch time for 1st graders (and anyone over 70)) and went to my daughter's table. I was introduced to the 3 boys and girl at the table. We'll call them Aiden One, Two, & Three and Lulu, to protect their identities. I sat down next to Desi and the adventure began.

First thing I noticed: napkins serve no purpose. Why use a napkin when you have a perfectly good sleeve?

Aiden One was a spazzo. I'm not sure he ate anything because his lunch was a game. The grapes were attacking the sandwich. Capt. Cheesestick was coming to the aid of a poor, defenseless fruit roll up!

Aiden Two seemed like a nice kid. I wanted to talk to him but the LARGE pizza sauce stain on his shirt was distracting me. If I didn't know better, I'd swear he had been stabbed. 31 times. Saucy pizza, it was.

Lulu sat next to me. She was quiet and focused on lunch. She ate her goldfish and a gogurt, then moved on to her PB&J. I was VERY impressed by how nicely she was eating. My attention went back to Desi for a few minutes (secretly, I was thinking to myself "I wish Des would eat like that"). And the good manners at lunch award goes to Lu.....WAIT A MINUTE! Houston, we have a problem. Lulu was licking the table! It seems that a few jelly morsels had escaped and landed on the table & Lulu's cleanup plan had a napkin as her plan D. She checked her sandwich box and discovered more jelly remnants. Lulu spent the next 5 minutes licking the inside of that container.

Desi had been plugging away at her lunch, waiting for her surprise. Finally, I unveiled COTTON CANDY. Aiden Three, who was a bigger kid, went into full mooch mode. "Desiiiiiiii, please please please can I have someeeeee?" Desi decided to share a bite with each kid. Not a big bite, but hey, she was sharing! Aiden Three engulfed his piece, counted to 3 mississippi, and asked "Desiiiiiii, please please please can I have moreeeeee?" Another piece. Then another request. You'd think I brought cocaine to a supermodel party. Before I could say anything, Desi popped the remaining cotton candy wad in her mouth.

Rather than sulk, Aiden Three smartly invited me to lunch the next day. Of course, the cover charge was another batch of cotton candy.

At the end of lunch, Desi declared it to be "The Best Lunch EVER". Perhaps, she was right.

Until next time, buh bye.

My kid has a job

6 years old and already having to work. She has a job. Her current position? Fundraising for new PE balls, ropes, and equipment for her classroom.

What is her role? To bring home a packet filled with cruddy, overpriced stuff for her family and neighbors to purchase. If anyone needs a 23 dollar soy candle, jumbo magnetic clips, or a copy of Black Enterprise magazine...give her a call. Are you aching to enjoy the Old World Taste of an authentic 12 oz. beef summer sausage? She's got you covered (if you have $12.50 and can wait a few weeks). The book has amaryllis kits, cell phone holders, milk balls, dryer balls, and more. Order now while supplies last!

What's in it for her (besides a new PE ball, rope, and equipment)? If she sells $1 worth of stuff, she gets an "amazing effort" bracelet. Sweet. If she only sold one dollar of stuff, seems like it should say "lackluster effort" instead. $100 bucks of stuff nets her a 11inch stretchy centipede. Now you're talking! And,
the prizes only get better. The TOP SELLER in each grade wins a "Big Cheese" Hamburger Hat!!!!! It's true. I don't joke about Hamburger Hats, esp. those covered with cheese.

The good news is "together everyone achieves more (TEAM)". There is no "I" in team, but there is an "I" in "salad crisper", which you can buy for $7.50.

The order book coversheet had words like honesty, respect, loyalty, kindness, caring, and fairness. So I end with this......

Peanut Brittle. 7.50
A Vanilla Diffuser. 13.50
Helping my daughter learn honesty, respect, loyalty, kindness, caring and fairness by buying a copy of People en Espanol. Priceless.

Until next time, buh bye.

The letter Z

Today's blog is brought to you by the letter Z.

My middle kid has a new weird game she is playing with her name. It now has a Z in it. Desziree or Deszi for szhort. Her teacher must think szhe's nutsz or szuper creative. Hopefully it endsz szoon. It'sz on a few of the classz projectsz that are poszted outszide the classzroom. The other parentsz muszt
think that Desi...sorry, Deszi....wasz sztuck with a sztrange name. Who putsz a random letter in their name like that? We're not like the parentsz that named their kidsz Tree, Orangejello, or Asztronaut. Parentsz of the Aiden, Jaeden, and Payden typesz must think we can't szpell or we're oddball hippee parentsz.

I'm hopeful that the Z thing will run it's coursze. Otherwisze, I'll be buszy re-doing the name on her lunchbox, foldersz, toysz, clothesz, etc.

Until next time, buh bye. Szchmidt, out.

blogorama

I'm still trying to get the hang of this blog thing. By the way, the word "blog" is funny to me. Kinda like "spatula". I'm not sure why it tickles me, but it does. I'd imagine it's the same feeling that kids have when you say "underwear". I have no idea why that makes a kid laugh but it's a winner every time.

I've been busy adding a few more stories and segments to the book. My goal is to take it from a mere 15 pages to a whopping 20. I could probably knock out another ten pages with more cruddy pictures, a parent quiz or 2, and pictures of my feet....but why ruin a good thing? And besides, what parent has the time to read more junk I wrote. Now that I think about it, why are you even reading this? You have practices to attend, clothes to wash, kids to feed, homework to do, baths to give, punishments to dish out, halloween costumes to order, birthday parties to plan, etc. Reading my blog (hee hee) should not even be in your top 10 things to do. Top 12, maybe.

Until next time, buh bye.